lazy.

i'm frustrated with my teaching.  i feel lazy.  i don't do things that are the most important for meaningful, i just do things that are the easiest to throw together.  i want my students to have an "ah ha" moment in my class where they learn something that they practice and keep with them the rest of their lives.  that's not going to happen if i just throw things together.  shoot, it may not happen if i really and truly try to provide an opportunity for it to come about.  but, the probability is greater if i try for it.  

the family fast and single life.

we had a family fast for grandma last week, that she would not be in any pain and that she would be kept comfortable in her last days here with us.  the fast was on monday & tuesday, and ON THURSDAY SHE WAS ABLE TO TALK!!!!  to hold full and complete conversations.  the same old grandma.  we are driving out to see her and grandpa the day after christmas.  i'm so excited because the last few times i've seen her communication has been so difficult.

i miss sharing my life with someone.  waking up next to someone.  knowing he'll always be there.  knowing that it will be hard, but that we'll never give up on each other.  knowing that we are each other's most valuable asset.  knowing that i'm loved wholly and completely and being appreciated for everything that i am.  loving someone so much that i ache when we are not together, and knowing that he feels the same way.  

what i love about christmas.

in no particular order....

christmas baking

snowflakes

wreaths

bows

christmas lights

the smell of christmas trees

the way stockings look hanging on the mantle

stocking holders

ribbons

christmas cards

garland with lights

snowmen

candy canes

its a wonderful life. (zuzu's petals!!!!)

christmas villages

christmas recipes

ornaments. homemade AND store bought

christmas wrapping paper

buying presents

my favorite christmas songs:

nat king cole christmas--the whole thing

kenny G christmas--the whole thing

rocking around the christmas tree (brenda lee)

i saw mommy kissing santa claus (jackson 5)

oh holy night (aaron neville)

sleigh ride (garth brooks)

merry christmas from the family (dixie chicks & rosie)

santa baby (madonna)

what child is this (shedaisy)

all i want for christmas (mariah carey)

this gift (98 degrees)

white christmas (bing crosby)

breath of heaven (amy grant)

simply having a wonderful christmas (paul mccartney)

missing grandma

grandma is not doing well.  recovery from the hip surgery was moving slowly, and after the second surgery, they started noticied some slurring in her speech and not being able to remember words, etc.  its gotten to the point where she can't hold a conversation becaus she can't think of the right words or names and lacks the ability to formulate sentences.  then we just found out last week that she has a brain tumor.  grandma is dying slowly right in front of us.  i miss her already because she can'y communicate.  the heartbreaking part is that i can tell she is completely still there mentally. she comprehends, but she can't communicate back.  it's like she's trapped.  mom came to visit and help take care of her and the she said the power went out and so she and gary and diane were just in there hanging out and then gary went to bring grandpa came in singing "isn't this romantic."  hahahaha.  grandpa talked mom into writing an email to the family to do a family fast for grandma.  mom and gary were worried about this because they thought that grandpa didn't understand that grandma was dying.  then he called mom in later and said he didn't want the family to fast that she'll get better, but just that she'll be kept comfortable and not be in any pain.  grandpa went into her room and mom was standing in the hallway and heard grandpa say, " i love you, lorraine."  and then grandma said, "I love you too, don."  they know grandma is going.  i know we have the gospel and the sealing ordinances of the temple, and i know that this is not the end, but it's still sad.  i already miss her.  every time i see her it's hard to leave because i don't know if that's the last time i'll see her.  uncle gary gave her this electronic frame and downloaded a bunch of pictures to it, and the first two are of her mom & dad.  it was so weird, but good, because i know that she'll get to be with them soon.  and how excited they must be to see her. sometimes i get really emotional, like right now and other times i'm at peace with it.  it's still sad, and i'll miss her and i worry about grandpa, and i wish he didn't have to miss her.  

overheard in the hall

i overheard paula tell our security guard that i was a great teacher.  yay!  

the look.

i love my school, mostly my kids.  they've only been a part of my life for the past 3 months, and i can't imagine no knowing them, not being around them.  they can be such a headache & handful  and so great all at the same time.  they have so much life and personality and are so refreshing to be around.  they are so real.  my kids at miller were very sweet, but it was definitely not the same.  i want to do so much for them.  be available to them.  to let them know how much i care about them and want them to succeed.  i just realized i'm afraid to be hard nosed with them.  why?  i don't know.  they see things and live things every day that are so adult.  so scary.  so dangerous.  so reckless.  and the do it every day.  they witness friends and family shot at, and sometimes they don't want to go to sleep because of the gunshots.  i can't even imagine.  i really believe dr. moore's philosophy that, "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."  but i need to be firmer with them.  i'm not doing them any favors by allowing them to walk all over me.

the other day i asked one of my kids to do something, and when they gave me grief, i gave him "the look."  the other kids sitting there just watched.  it was a stare down, and i won.  jordan said he hates "that look" because it makes me get whatever i want.  i told him it wasn't the look, but the fact that i was the teacher.  he said it wasn't that i was a teacher, but because he respected me.  that he cusses his other teachers out, but that he would never do that to me, because he "hella respects" me.  it was such a great moment.  

nicole's visit

nicole came to visit, and she also came to school with me.  she was quite the conversation piece on campus.  she found out my students like me, and that some of them have crushes on me.  hahaha.  so funny.  i love it that she is friends with them.  i love my kids at tennyson.  i want to finish the year here, but miller won't release me until they find a replacement for me. hopefully that will happen soon.  

3rd period and general conference

i really need to write every day.  i feel like i'm already forgetting things.  today, dan, the new teacher mentor came by my  classroom and told me what an exceptional job i was doing.  i don't think i'm exceptional, but it still made me feel good.  third period is still my hardest class.  jerome can be such a loudmouth.  he can be so sweet, but a lot of the time he just has an attitude problem.  the calss does not get engaged at all.  so frustrationg.  partly because i'm lazy and i don't know how to fix it, but it will take time and research to figure it out.

general conference was yesterday and saturday.  it was so good.  i had a hard time staying awake for some of it, i've been really tired lately.  president hinckley is so awesome.  i wish i could meet him, and just give him a hug.  he looked tired.  i don't think he's going to make it to the next conference.  it felt like he was saying goodbye.  

it was last general conference last april that i moved out  6 months ago.  in some ways it seems so much longer ago that all of this happene, but in other ways i can't believe it's already been 6 months.  it's definitely been the worst, most difficult 6 months of my life.    

subbing and greys anatomy.

i'm at school right now.  i've been subbing for coaching during last block when they need to leave for games.  i'm a "sub" so the kids act up, but whatever.  i'll probably make a couple hundred dollars and that will be nice...i'm putting it right towards my camera.  once i get it, then what?  i've wanted it for so long, and it's always been out of my reach, and now it's not.  yay!

dumarco and danny had a heated discussion today during 3rd block.  i had to get them out of the situation.  jason got really upset.  got a phone call from his brother during class.  he stayed and and told me it was personal and was all teary eye.  i wanted to comfort him so much, but there was nothing i could do.  i hope he is OK.  

i watched 5 hours of greys anatomy with cass last night.  up until 230am.  i'm so ready for a nap, but it was worth it.  tonight is the season 3 premiere.  and patrick dempsey is hot.  yay.  

mookie and booty popping

mookie from 1st period is moving over to the continuation school.  she is so sweet and has had such a rough life, yet seems so positive.  she told me she couldn't pay the class fee until she got her pay check.  i told he rnot to worry about paying at all, but she insisted saying she didn't want to be "special."  such an example.

today was the first day the step team practiced.  two hours every day.  yikes.  what have i gotten myself into?  brittney, jamie & shanese are teaching the other girls the dance.  brittney was trying to teach the girls how to "pop" and she said, "you just gotta make your booty jump."  i was laughing SO hard on the inside.  how did i get myself into this? 

myspace, being an "expert" and waivers

its been a week since i've written.  i'll be better.  i'm sure these journals will entertain me in the years to come.  so, whats new...they took their test.   many of them did well.  a hadnful still didn't pass, so i wrote a separate make-up quiz.  we've cooked twice this week.  first blueberry muffins, then today, buscuits.  cooking days are so much better than non-cooking days.  especially in 3rd block.  it's after lunch and they are so fidgety and chatty.  cooking days are even fun for me.  i think it's because i feel needed.  they think i'm an expert.  i'm so not.  i've only had 2 foods classes in college!  apparently, that makes me an expert.  every 5 seconds, someone is calling my name.  MY name, ms. booth.  i like it.  it's not what i planned, but it's solid and i don't have to change it ever.  plus, cooking days i get to chat with and get to know the kids better.  today they asked if i had a myspace, which i do, so right after class i had cassandra change it to "private."  

oh...funny thing.  i had to sign these waiver forms stating that i had been notified of the following:  "bryant has been charged with causing great bodliy harm...."  i never would have guessed it.  he is such a sweetie.  the second form was for munair being charged with assault with a deadly weapon and possession of a firearm.  i'm definitely getting an education here.  so different from miller.  it's so much more draining....it really feels like it sucks the life out of me, but it's so much more rewarding.  every day it's either "small battle won" or "another battle lost."  it means something more when you get the girl with the attitude problem to cooperate and be on task, and when you're able to motivate a 17-year old boy to wash dishes.....especially when he is capable of assault!  it's so funny, scary, tiring, frustrating, but it's just so fulfilling...i already feel so attached to them.  

rough day. then football game.

today was rough.  nothing happened, but my 3rd block stresses me out.  they are chatty and rowdy, and really couldn't care less about what i'm trying to teach them.  today i basically gave up on reviewing for the test and just had them pull out their books and work on a pointless chapter.  sad. i feel like some of them want to pay attention and participate, but they are reaching a point in their attention spans where they can't.  gotta change things up.  new seats tomorrow.  i'm going to their football game tonight.  that should be fun.  

being a leader.

i chatted with jerome today about being a leader in the class.  that other students watch him.  i hope it helps.  3rd period is a handful.  i went to institute tonight.  it was really fun.

restlessness and familiarity.

the kids are getting really restless.  they really want to start cooking, and we're still doing safety & sanitation stuff.  hopefully we'll test on friday.  steve irwin the crocodile hunter died.  so sad.  i went to the student (singles) ward on sunday and it was kind of weird.  i was excited to get a fresh start, but i forgot i would probably know a lot of the kids there.  and i did.  everyone was very nice, and in a way it was kind of nice to have that familiarity.  

step team.

today shanese asked me to be the advisor for the step team.  so funy.  we'll see how that goes.  my football players in 3rd period wanted me to go to their game after school, but i couldn't.  i'm exhausted.  i'll write more tomorrow.  

i've come to a conclusion.

so i've come to a conclusion. losing someone you love really hurts. it just plain doesn't feel good. neither does feeling replaceable. but i've realized there are some things in life that happen whether i like it or not. i don't have as much control over "my world" as i thought i did. life doesn't ask your permission. its just life.

i lost "the one" i was going to spend the rest of my life with, the one who i'd already started a life with. and as foreign as it seems now, he committed those same things to me. but, unfortunately, something changed. committment in itself doesn't change, and neither does love, loyalty or marriage. no, no and definitely no. it doesn't. but people change. people make decisions and with those decisions come consequences, whether they be good or bad. he gave up and because of that decision he's lost someone that would have never given up on him. i'd like to consider that a bad consequence.

but, i've realized that no amount of wallowing in self pity is going to bring him back. no amount of analyzing the situation is going to help me understand, and it just a pathetic way of holding onto pieces that need to be let go. no amount of not eating, staying in bed, replaying old memories or crying myself to sleep is going to bring him back. no amount of remembering what was said is going to erase actions that proved otherwise. because after all that, at the end of the day, he's still not there. plus, nothing says,"you lost something fabulous," like not showering and forgetting to brush your teeth. right? wrong. thats just plain gross.

so, im done being a mess.

maybe this had to happen. maybe one day i'll even be glad this happened. i'm not yet, but maybe one day i will be. maybe this was the only way i would learn some of the necessary life lessons that i'll need later on. up until this, i've had it pretty easy. disappointment has skipped me over time and time again, and so now, losing something like this, its one of those, empty, yucky, sad, "my whole world caved in" feelings. but, it may prove to be to my advantage--because the next time i have to deal with a really crappy, heart-wrenching "thats just life" kind of thing, at least i'll have a little experience. and this time i'll know the BEST and only way to get through it is just to get out of bed and keep going.

everyone that knows me, knows that despite everything, i still have my hopes. i love him, and so i definitely don't want to hear, "you're better off," or or anything else that speaks poorly of him, or that attempts to explain me out of my feelings. i'm going at my own pace. right now, i'm optimistic. and thats OK. like 2 of my fantastic and smart girlfriends put it, "if thats what gets you through the day, fine." maybe that will change, and maybe it won't. but, aside from all that, i still have my hopes for a beautiful life of love, an awesome marriage, beautiful kids, great friends, a lovely home, fun vacations, anniversaries, family reunions, birthdays, and nerdy family traditions. its the same beautiful life i've always hoped for. and yes, i understand that its that same life thats going to have ups & downs, laundry & dishes, bills & arguments. but, i'll still take all of it. that hasn't changed. i may be 23 going 50, but whatever. thats me, and its who i've always been, and more than likely who i'll always be, and i think that's cool.

draining small battles.

school was fine today, just so much more draining than miller.  today i had to send antonio out because he wasn't giving me his cell phone.  he told me he was in a bad mood because someone stole his phone and was threatening to kill his familiy.  he said he was fine, and didn't want to go to the office.  it was actually a good experience.  small battle won.  

the kids and cute grandma & grandpa

prints cleared last night, so today was my first paid word day.  things went well today.  did an interview intro activity and learned A LOT.  these kids have so many goals and dreams....almost every single one has their sights set on college.  they are so proud of their heritage and family, especially their mothers.  another thing i noticed was that a lot of their summer plans involved reno.  weird.  who ever thought of reno would be a destination in itself?  it was cute, one of myboys said he wanted to take cooking because girls liked men who could cook.  another said he took cooking so he'd be able to cook for all his ladies.  hahaha.

i went to visit grandma tonight.  she was upset when i got there.  she was so worried she isn't going to get the pain medication she needed, and she gets so hostile.  once she got her meds, she seemed way more at peace when i left.  it was sweet--she was telling me how grandpa came to see her and how he sat with her and held her hand and talked to her about elder bednar's talk from conference about enduring to the end, and how he just sat next to her and held her hand and gave her a blessing.  she was all teary eyes and just said, "...that sweet don..."  it was really cute.  gotta get to bed.  

first day of school.

i survived the first day.  it went pretty smoothly.  its weird only have 3 periods.  we did all our management stuff and then we did bio poems.  it was funny, i had 2 boys and one's said, "who is cooler than a fan," and the other said "who is flyer than an insect."  i laughed.  i am exhausted.  my fingerprints still haven't cleared, so basically i'm working for free.  bummer.  

teacher work day

tomorrow is the first day of school at tennyson.  i was really excited when i first got the job, then when i got here, got to the school and talked to maryann i  started getting really nervous.  she told me about fights and how teachers cars get stolen right out of the lot.  yikes.  i get really nercous and thren once i start planning and really visualizing everything it doesn't seem so scary.  i have 3, 90 minute periods every day of "culinary skills."  right now my 1st period has 24 kids (dream size) and then 2nd has 26 (yikes) and 3rd has 37 (yikes, again).  i hope they get my class size down soon.  we won't be cooking for awhile and the tables are small for that many kids.  i gotten all my worksheets done for the safety/sanitation plans, but its hard to tell how long its all going to take on the block schedule.  then i just need to figure out the time allotments for the labs and nutrients and then i'll be all set.