27 June 2007
family pictures
with my being home and having everyone together, i insisted on us taking family pictures. as you can see its the fam, black & white & khaki clothes in our backyard. its a little difficult trying to play photographer AND be in the pictures, but it worked OK. here are some of my favorites...
24 June 2007
a different type of longing.
its been almost 2 weeks since the last day of school, thursday june 14, 2007. i feel like there are so many things that need to be expressed, yet i am at a complete loss of how to do so. but, here i begin, anyway.
i've always wanted to be a teacher. there was never any other option in my mind. some say teaching is a calling. i kind of believe that. it was like the idea of teaching found me long before i had really thought about and latched onto it. then, in high school when i began to understand (at least in a small way) the importance of raising children, i began to think of teaching as a "plan b"." something to fall back on. and if nothing more, something that would eventually come to pass, but after my kids had grown and left home. it was a profession that had become even more attractive to me--on every possible level, but something that would take a backseat precedence to being a mom. and rightfully so. being able to stay home with my own kids, doing all our cooking, cleaning, planning, organizing, carpooling, grocery shopping, etc....the thought of truly being the "domestic engineer" made me so excited.
but, of all places, at BYU an interesting thing happened. things changed a little. i remember sitting in an education theory class and everything shifted. i started thinking, "i need to teach. i want to teach. so much. so badly. i dont want to wait." this totally threw me for a loop. my current relationship & living situation was such that the logical next step for me was to be a mom. but the baby hugriness had dissipated. now please don't, even for a minute, doubt the desires of my heart or my priorities. looking back now, i'm so thankful that those feelings subsided. i still want to be a wife & mom more than anything else, but heavenly father knew that was a bit farther off in my future than i had originally thought or was willing to accept. it was the best for everyone involved, including those babies that i ached for. thankfully, he blessed me with a different type of longing...the longing & desire to teach.
and so here i am . i've just finished my first full year of teaching. in my own classroom, with my own students, with my own lessons & procedures.
my students, or "my kids" as i so fondly referred to them, were quite possibly the best part of my life. i spent more time with them than i did my friends or family. more time in my classroom than i did my own home. every morning when i got up, they were who i was excited to interact with that day. one of my absolute favorite things was to get to school in the morning, and in the hustle & bustle of getting things ready for the day, quickly walking down my hallway to the main office, and saying "good morning" & "hello! how are you?" to my kids and being able to call them by name. i dont know why, but it meant so much to me.
ive struggled, so much, with determining whether i love teaching because i am good for the kids or because the kids are good for me. they fill so many needs for me...and i dont know that i like that, or that that is acceptable or how it should be, but they do. they fill my need to love something wholly & completely. to be 100% genuinely concerned about something outside myself. to try and fix things and make them better. to give them something they may not otherwise get. to teach them procedures & habits that may help them, even the littlest bit in their journey to becoming more than they currently are. to assist them in growing up, and growing more mature and mindful about those around them. to show them that they can, and that people do care whether they win or lose, and that someone wants them to succeed. to show them that someone wants them to accomplish their goals. to give them reasons to be proud of themselves. to help them grow and to learn and to love and to see and to experience all that they can. thats a longing i currently can't live without.
i've always wanted to be a teacher. there was never any other option in my mind. some say teaching is a calling. i kind of believe that. it was like the idea of teaching found me long before i had really thought about and latched onto it. then, in high school when i began to understand (at least in a small way) the importance of raising children, i began to think of teaching as a "plan b"." something to fall back on. and if nothing more, something that would eventually come to pass, but after my kids had grown and left home. it was a profession that had become even more attractive to me--on every possible level, but something that would take a backseat precedence to being a mom. and rightfully so. being able to stay home with my own kids, doing all our cooking, cleaning, planning, organizing, carpooling, grocery shopping, etc....the thought of truly being the "domestic engineer" made me so excited.
but, of all places, at BYU an interesting thing happened. things changed a little. i remember sitting in an education theory class and everything shifted. i started thinking, "i need to teach. i want to teach. so much. so badly. i dont want to wait." this totally threw me for a loop. my current relationship & living situation was such that the logical next step for me was to be a mom. but the baby hugriness had dissipated. now please don't, even for a minute, doubt the desires of my heart or my priorities. looking back now, i'm so thankful that those feelings subsided. i still want to be a wife & mom more than anything else, but heavenly father knew that was a bit farther off in my future than i had originally thought or was willing to accept. it was the best for everyone involved, including those babies that i ached for. thankfully, he blessed me with a different type of longing...the longing & desire to teach.
and so here i am . i've just finished my first full year of teaching. in my own classroom, with my own students, with my own lessons & procedures.
my students, or "my kids" as i so fondly referred to them, were quite possibly the best part of my life. i spent more time with them than i did my friends or family. more time in my classroom than i did my own home. every morning when i got up, they were who i was excited to interact with that day. one of my absolute favorite things was to get to school in the morning, and in the hustle & bustle of getting things ready for the day, quickly walking down my hallway to the main office, and saying "good morning" & "hello! how are you?" to my kids and being able to call them by name. i dont know why, but it meant so much to me.
ive struggled, so much, with determining whether i love teaching because i am good for the kids or because the kids are good for me. they fill so many needs for me...and i dont know that i like that, or that that is acceptable or how it should be, but they do. they fill my need to love something wholly & completely. to be 100% genuinely concerned about something outside myself. to try and fix things and make them better. to give them something they may not otherwise get. to teach them procedures & habits that may help them, even the littlest bit in their journey to becoming more than they currently are. to assist them in growing up, and growing more mature and mindful about those around them. to show them that they can, and that people do care whether they win or lose, and that someone wants them to succeed. to show them that someone wants them to accomplish their goals. to give them reasons to be proud of themselves. to help them grow and to learn and to love and to see and to experience all that they can. thats a longing i currently can't live without.
21 June 2007
thank you, Kitty
with all this new found time since school has adjourned for the summer, i'm catching up on things. sleep, reading, etc. one thing i just started tonight, at the reccommendation of a friend, was to watch the shows Brothers & Sisters and Ugly Betty. I started Brothers & Sisters tonight, and it was well worth the couple of hours i put in. this quote, hit home, hard, but in a good way.
“I had a boyfriend who cheated on me once, in college. His name was Alex Sapin. And when Tanya Cavenaugh told me what he’d done, I went and found him, and I told him what I thought. I said, "The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake & life’s too short for lies. And you’re the worse kind of person in the world because you wasted my heart, my time.” Kitty, from Brothers & Sisters
very well put, and recieved.
“I had a boyfriend who cheated on me once, in college. His name was Alex Sapin. And when Tanya Cavenaugh told me what he’d done, I went and found him, and I told him what I thought. I said, "The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake & life’s too short for lies. And you’re the worse kind of person in the world because you wasted my heart, my time.” Kitty, from Brothers & Sisters
very well put, and recieved.
20 June 2007
"so many sprinklers, so little time..."
after spending most of the day inside, i started getting pretty restless. i have a new found interest in and a newly acquired wealth of information about the minnesota timberwolves. and even though googling different word combinations & comparing & memorizing the results is somewhat worthwhile, its not exactly fitting into my "operation summer body" plan. so i did the unthinkable and agreed to go running with my dad. now, the last time i took on this feat, i think i was about 12 or 13 and a non-runner. we went running around lake elizabeth. and i couldn't keep up with him. he dusted me. so much so he would run up ahead and then run back to me.
so last night, over 10 years later, a in a little bit better shape, i thought i could take him on. i was wrong. mind you he runs about 3 miles or so, about 3-4 days a week. i try to go to the gym, use the ellyptical and do the weights, fulfilling my "trying to be healthy" goal, and then i leave, not to think about the gym until the next, last possible moment. well, we left the house, and as i started to run i almost started laughing. i do not run. i am not a runner. i do not like it or enjoy it. i pretty much hate it. so why i earth did i think this was a good idea? i'm not sure. i guess the hours on the computer fried my brain and left my judgement a bit iffy.
but we ran. dad assured me we could stop anytime i needed to, and so i took him up on that, about halfway through. stop & go, walk to run, from then on out. we came to a house where the front lawn sprinklers were on. he glanced at me, and then promptly ran over to the house and galloped through the spinklers, like a little kid, so happy & refreshed. he runs back to me, dripping and says, "you've really gotta try it!" i laugh & decline and as we were coming up on the last stretch we started to chat. i apologized for slowing him down, as he still did the run up ahead & run back to me routine. he said, in true dad form, "its fine dear. its just nice to spend some time." awww, dad is so cute. then as come over overpass and look to our left there is a huge field with its sprinklers on. dad lights up and says, "so many sprinklers, so little time..." so, so true.
so, today was a good day. got my timberwolves info fix, put in a plug for operation summer body, and got to watch my grown-up kid of a dad run through the sprinklers. even if i had to run to experience it, i'd do it again. but probably not until the soreness wears off.
so last night, over 10 years later, a in a little bit better shape, i thought i could take him on. i was wrong. mind you he runs about 3 miles or so, about 3-4 days a week. i try to go to the gym, use the ellyptical and do the weights, fulfilling my "trying to be healthy" goal, and then i leave, not to think about the gym until the next, last possible moment. well, we left the house, and as i started to run i almost started laughing. i do not run. i am not a runner. i do not like it or enjoy it. i pretty much hate it. so why i earth did i think this was a good idea? i'm not sure. i guess the hours on the computer fried my brain and left my judgement a bit iffy.
but we ran. dad assured me we could stop anytime i needed to, and so i took him up on that, about halfway through. stop & go, walk to run, from then on out. we came to a house where the front lawn sprinklers were on. he glanced at me, and then promptly ran over to the house and galloped through the spinklers, like a little kid, so happy & refreshed. he runs back to me, dripping and says, "you've really gotta try it!" i laugh & decline and as we were coming up on the last stretch we started to chat. i apologized for slowing him down, as he still did the run up ahead & run back to me routine. he said, in true dad form, "its fine dear. its just nice to spend some time." awww, dad is so cute. then as come over overpass and look to our left there is a huge field with its sprinklers on. dad lights up and says, "so many sprinklers, so little time..." so, so true.
so, today was a good day. got my timberwolves info fix, put in a plug for operation summer body, and got to watch my grown-up kid of a dad run through the sprinklers. even if i had to run to experience it, i'd do it again. but probably not until the soreness wears off.
13 June 2007
08 June 2007
raw.
i have a student who took my class last semester and about a month ago he added late to take it again, and also became my TA. one day we sat in the computer lab and he told me the whole story about how his mom died in a car accident two years ago. how he reacted and how he's dealt with it since. how he almost dropped out because he just didn't care anymore. but now, how he was so close to graduating and mr. ali, a mentor on campus, was going to be so proud. then one day he missed class. he came in the next day and apologized and told me he had just gotten some really bad news, and that he just didn't feel like coming. he found out that he wouldn't be going to college in the fall because he was going to work two jobs to help his dad with the bills. he was so worried he was never going to get to go back to school. then a week later he came in and said that he had worked it out with his dad and he was going to be able to start school in the fall. he's been missing school because firstly because of senioritis. then cousin was shot & killed last week and he had to attend the funeral. there was trouble brewing with family retaliation. i asked him not to get involved, to just steer clear. his attendance has been on and off. then, just now he came by. i asked him how he was and he said, "bad." and just shook his head. he showed me his phone. it read, "hey coz, auntie died." his mom's sister, who has been sick for years, just died last night. we came back to my classroom and talked for a minute and then i hugged him and he left. i ache for him. when i hugged him, i wished more than anything else that i could do something to make it all better, to rewrite the way things had happened, but i knew that i couldn't. so i just hugged him, and then he left.
i feel like my emotions are so raw. everything out on the surface. i want to do so much to help, and there is nothing that i can do. these are their lives, and they are so different from mine, and there is nothing i can do to make it better for them except love them and talk with them and be there for them. which sometimes seems like a lot and others doesn't really seem like anything at all.
i called cass & my mom from my classroom and just cried this one out. i got done crying and settled down a little, but im just tired. exhausted really. and im still in my classroom, and the problems are still there, i just don't have any more tears or energy to cry.
i feel like my emotions are so raw. everything out on the surface. i want to do so much to help, and there is nothing that i can do. these are their lives, and they are so different from mine, and there is nothing i can do to make it better for them except love them and talk with them and be there for them. which sometimes seems like a lot and others doesn't really seem like anything at all.
i called cass & my mom from my classroom and just cried this one out. i got done crying and settled down a little, but im just tired. exhausted really. and im still in my classroom, and the problems are still there, i just don't have any more tears or energy to cry.
06 June 2007
sour cream on my new shoes.
today has just been one of those days. its actually been more of a build up of the last few, but today, when i dropped a container of sour cream on my new zebra print flats, i almost lost it. here's the buildup...
friday, one of my freshman came by to visit afterschool like he used to so often before. he was being so kind, and polite. before he left he said, "i'm gonna miss you ms booth," and it really struck me. i told him i was going to miss him too, and all weekend i worried about him. so when i saw him on monday i was relieved. but then, during 3rd block, one of my other kids came in to tell me that he had been hit by a car and was at the hospital. i freaked out. i was absolutely sick until i found out that he was OK. thank heavens.
friday after school a fight broke out.
friday night i chaperoned the dance. it was "an open dance," meaning students from schools all over the area could attend. they all seemed to have a good time. the dancing was pretty raunchy, ill be honest. and it was so interesting to see how the students would scatter and act as if nothing was happening the seconds the lights went on, but there was A LOT happening out there. a lot the chaperone in me should have probably stopped, but it was too embarassing to me to even admit it was happening in the first place. anyways, the dance ended, and everyone seemed abuzz with energy, despite the fact it was after 11 PM on a friday. i gathered the kids i was driving home, and then we left. as we started driving towards the exit, crowds of students started running toward the front of the lot. the cops zoomed up ahead to put a stop to whatever was about to transpire. i looked to my left and saw one of my kids--and one of our biggest, strongest football players taking off his shirt and posturing for another fight. right there feet from my car. there were kids everywhere. i had tons of things running through my mind...should i get out and start yelling and try and stop these guys from beating the stuffing out of each other. then i started to get scared. i had my kids i was driving home, and i decided to go get the cops instead. i drove past, and kept looking back, but found the cop and told him that there was about to be a fight and someone was going to be hurt. he told me to get out of the way. so i did. as we drove from the school, we were all quiet. then i started to question my judgement. "i should have tried to stop them." i said. my kids said, "no ms booth. you woulda gotten hurt. they had guns & knives." and a fight broke out in the parking lot.
monday, one of my students came in one day and just kind of stood in front of my desk to ask me a question. i noticed that something seemed a little different and she lingered for a minute after i answered, but i didn't press it. i didn't think anything of it. later in the period a cop came down to talk to her and took her away because she got in a fist fight with her mom on friday in front of the school and then she ran away from home, and had been gone all weekend. i sensed that there was something wrong, but i didn't press to find out anything. she was waiting for me to press, and i didn't. i should have pressed it, and i didn't.
tuesday another fight broke out.
thursday someone blew up a garbage can in the commons area between halls by my classroom. it was really loud, and it scared me.
one of my tatooed, pierced girls told me that she was going back to church! small battle won.
thursday we had to go into lock down during 4th because of an imminent gang threat on campus. they arrested a number of suspendees and non students who were on there way to finishing a fight that had been started earlier in the week. they were all over campus and the surrounding areas in the neighborhood.
j, one of my seniors, who has been trying SO hard to graduate, missed his presentation on thursday. he called the school and left a message telling me he'd gotten in an accident and that he'd be here on friday. he called me on my cell and told me that he didn't do anythign wrong, but he got pulled over, didn't have a license, and they took his car because he was driving through an area where a murder had just been committed.
one of my sweetest girls asked to take a picture with me. we did, and then i asked her to email it to me. she said she would, but that it might take a while because she doesn't have electricity at her house. there was a fire, and so now she and her 9 siblings were living in a local motel. double gulp.
today as i was walking out to my car at lunch, i saw a fight. i've seen the bloody aftermath of a few, the swarms of cheering kids, and i almost got out of this year without ever seeing a fight, but today i saw one. it dispersed just as i walked up. the kids ran away and the one doing the beating calmly walked away as if nothing happened. i didn't know him. i couldn't call him by name. i didn't stop anything. and he walked by me, staring me down the entire way.
two girls lied straight to my face. about what they were going to use flour for. so lame, but so unbelievable at the same time. i would give these kids almost anything. but please don't lie to me.
one of my kids texted me last night wanting me to help him pick a topic and do the research for his economics paper.
three boys ran by my windows shouting obscenities. i dropped my broom and ran after them. they stopped, and in the back of my mind, i thought, "oh great, now what." i didn't know them, so i couldn't call them by name. i just told them i didn't ever want that to happen again. i probably sounded really lame.
so why all the emotion about the zebra shoes? i have no idea. i really do like zebra print, and flats, but i don't think thats it. maybe because it's the only thing that dealt with a seemingly insignificant physical item in my possession. i don't know. everything else dealt with all these extremely significant intangibles. i guess the defilement of the zebra shoes was just the icing, er, sour cream, on the cake.
yikes. and someone just blew up ANOTHER trash can.
friday, one of my freshman came by to visit afterschool like he used to so often before. he was being so kind, and polite. before he left he said, "i'm gonna miss you ms booth," and it really struck me. i told him i was going to miss him too, and all weekend i worried about him. so when i saw him on monday i was relieved. but then, during 3rd block, one of my other kids came in to tell me that he had been hit by a car and was at the hospital. i freaked out. i was absolutely sick until i found out that he was OK. thank heavens.
friday after school a fight broke out.
friday night i chaperoned the dance. it was "an open dance," meaning students from schools all over the area could attend. they all seemed to have a good time. the dancing was pretty raunchy, ill be honest. and it was so interesting to see how the students would scatter and act as if nothing was happening the seconds the lights went on, but there was A LOT happening out there. a lot the chaperone in me should have probably stopped, but it was too embarassing to me to even admit it was happening in the first place. anyways, the dance ended, and everyone seemed abuzz with energy, despite the fact it was after 11 PM on a friday. i gathered the kids i was driving home, and then we left. as we started driving towards the exit, crowds of students started running toward the front of the lot. the cops zoomed up ahead to put a stop to whatever was about to transpire. i looked to my left and saw one of my kids--and one of our biggest, strongest football players taking off his shirt and posturing for another fight. right there feet from my car. there were kids everywhere. i had tons of things running through my mind...should i get out and start yelling and try and stop these guys from beating the stuffing out of each other. then i started to get scared. i had my kids i was driving home, and i decided to go get the cops instead. i drove past, and kept looking back, but found the cop and told him that there was about to be a fight and someone was going to be hurt. he told me to get out of the way. so i did. as we drove from the school, we were all quiet. then i started to question my judgement. "i should have tried to stop them." i said. my kids said, "no ms booth. you woulda gotten hurt. they had guns & knives." and a fight broke out in the parking lot.
monday, one of my students came in one day and just kind of stood in front of my desk to ask me a question. i noticed that something seemed a little different and she lingered for a minute after i answered, but i didn't press it. i didn't think anything of it. later in the period a cop came down to talk to her and took her away because she got in a fist fight with her mom on friday in front of the school and then she ran away from home, and had been gone all weekend. i sensed that there was something wrong, but i didn't press to find out anything. she was waiting for me to press, and i didn't. i should have pressed it, and i didn't.
tuesday another fight broke out.
thursday someone blew up a garbage can in the commons area between halls by my classroom. it was really loud, and it scared me.
one of my tatooed, pierced girls told me that she was going back to church! small battle won.
thursday we had to go into lock down during 4th because of an imminent gang threat on campus. they arrested a number of suspendees and non students who were on there way to finishing a fight that had been started earlier in the week. they were all over campus and the surrounding areas in the neighborhood.
j, one of my seniors, who has been trying SO hard to graduate, missed his presentation on thursday. he called the school and left a message telling me he'd gotten in an accident and that he'd be here on friday. he called me on my cell and told me that he didn't do anythign wrong, but he got pulled over, didn't have a license, and they took his car because he was driving through an area where a murder had just been committed.
one of my sweetest girls asked to take a picture with me. we did, and then i asked her to email it to me. she said she would, but that it might take a while because she doesn't have electricity at her house. there was a fire, and so now she and her 9 siblings were living in a local motel. double gulp.
today as i was walking out to my car at lunch, i saw a fight. i've seen the bloody aftermath of a few, the swarms of cheering kids, and i almost got out of this year without ever seeing a fight, but today i saw one. it dispersed just as i walked up. the kids ran away and the one doing the beating calmly walked away as if nothing happened. i didn't know him. i couldn't call him by name. i didn't stop anything. and he walked by me, staring me down the entire way.
two girls lied straight to my face. about what they were going to use flour for. so lame, but so unbelievable at the same time. i would give these kids almost anything. but please don't lie to me.
one of my kids texted me last night wanting me to help him pick a topic and do the research for his economics paper.
three boys ran by my windows shouting obscenities. i dropped my broom and ran after them. they stopped, and in the back of my mind, i thought, "oh great, now what." i didn't know them, so i couldn't call them by name. i just told them i didn't ever want that to happen again. i probably sounded really lame.
so why all the emotion about the zebra shoes? i have no idea. i really do like zebra print, and flats, but i don't think thats it. maybe because it's the only thing that dealt with a seemingly insignificant physical item in my possession. i don't know. everything else dealt with all these extremely significant intangibles. i guess the defilement of the zebra shoes was just the icing, er, sour cream, on the cake.
yikes. and someone just blew up ANOTHER trash can.
05 June 2007
way to go, mom & dad.
so today as i was in the car driving home from school, "september" by earth, wind & fire came on the radio. mom told me this song was popular when she met my dad, and in general earth wind & fire reminds my dad of "the brothas" at his high school track meets dancing with their boom boxes on their shoulders. needless to say, this song always reminds me of my parents, and thats probably why i like it so much. anyways, today is their 25th wedding anniversary. way to go, mom & dad. here is a high five, just for you.
02 June 2007
free at last...
i am free at last, finally, and just in the nick of time.
i laughed out loud when i got home from the reception, and in an excited rush to get ready, i found this. neatly folded, complete with a note from my funny uncle that read, "here's something to wear tonight." love it.
i laughed out loud when i got home from the reception, and in an excited rush to get ready, i found this. neatly folded, complete with a note from my funny uncle that read, "here's something to wear tonight." love it.
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