lazy.

i'm frustrated with my teaching.  i feel lazy.  i don't do things that are the most important for meaningful, i just do things that are the easiest to throw together.  i want my students to have an "ah ha" moment in my class where they learn something that they practice and keep with them the rest of their lives.  that's not going to happen if i just throw things together.  shoot, it may not happen if i really and truly try to provide an opportunity for it to come about.  but, the probability is greater if i try for it.  

the family fast and single life.

we had a family fast for grandma last week, that she would not be in any pain and that she would be kept comfortable in her last days here with us.  the fast was on monday & tuesday, and ON THURSDAY SHE WAS ABLE TO TALK!!!!  to hold full and complete conversations.  the same old grandma.  we are driving out to see her and grandpa the day after christmas.  i'm so excited because the last few times i've seen her communication has been so difficult.

i miss sharing my life with someone.  waking up next to someone.  knowing he'll always be there.  knowing that it will be hard, but that we'll never give up on each other.  knowing that we are each other's most valuable asset.  knowing that i'm loved wholly and completely and being appreciated for everything that i am.  loving someone so much that i ache when we are not together, and knowing that he feels the same way.  

what i love about christmas.

in no particular order....

christmas baking

snowflakes

wreaths

bows

christmas lights

the smell of christmas trees

the way stockings look hanging on the mantle

stocking holders

ribbons

christmas cards

garland with lights

snowmen

candy canes

its a wonderful life. (zuzu's petals!!!!)

christmas villages

christmas recipes

ornaments. homemade AND store bought

christmas wrapping paper

buying presents

my favorite christmas songs:

nat king cole christmas--the whole thing

kenny G christmas--the whole thing

rocking around the christmas tree (brenda lee)

i saw mommy kissing santa claus (jackson 5)

oh holy night (aaron neville)

sleigh ride (garth brooks)

merry christmas from the family (dixie chicks & rosie)

santa baby (madonna)

what child is this (shedaisy)

all i want for christmas (mariah carey)

this gift (98 degrees)

white christmas (bing crosby)

breath of heaven (amy grant)

simply having a wonderful christmas (paul mccartney)

missing grandma

grandma is not doing well.  recovery from the hip surgery was moving slowly, and after the second surgery, they started noticied some slurring in her speech and not being able to remember words, etc.  its gotten to the point where she can't hold a conversation becaus she can't think of the right words or names and lacks the ability to formulate sentences.  then we just found out last week that she has a brain tumor.  grandma is dying slowly right in front of us.  i miss her already because she can'y communicate.  the heartbreaking part is that i can tell she is completely still there mentally. she comprehends, but she can't communicate back.  it's like she's trapped.  mom came to visit and help take care of her and the she said the power went out and so she and gary and diane were just in there hanging out and then gary went to bring grandpa came in singing "isn't this romantic."  hahahaha.  grandpa talked mom into writing an email to the family to do a family fast for grandma.  mom and gary were worried about this because they thought that grandpa didn't understand that grandma was dying.  then he called mom in later and said he didn't want the family to fast that she'll get better, but just that she'll be kept comfortable and not be in any pain.  grandpa went into her room and mom was standing in the hallway and heard grandpa say, " i love you, lorraine."  and then grandma said, "I love you too, don."  they know grandma is going.  i know we have the gospel and the sealing ordinances of the temple, and i know that this is not the end, but it's still sad.  i already miss her.  every time i see her it's hard to leave because i don't know if that's the last time i'll see her.  uncle gary gave her this electronic frame and downloaded a bunch of pictures to it, and the first two are of her mom & dad.  it was so weird, but good, because i know that she'll get to be with them soon.  and how excited they must be to see her. sometimes i get really emotional, like right now and other times i'm at peace with it.  it's still sad, and i'll miss her and i worry about grandpa, and i wish he didn't have to miss her.