subbing and greys anatomy.

i'm at school right now.  i've been subbing for coaching during last block when they need to leave for games.  i'm a "sub" so the kids act up, but whatever.  i'll probably make a couple hundred dollars and that will be nice...i'm putting it right towards my camera.  once i get it, then what?  i've wanted it for so long, and it's always been out of my reach, and now it's not.  yay!

dumarco and danny had a heated discussion today during 3rd block.  i had to get them out of the situation.  jason got really upset.  got a phone call from his brother during class.  he stayed and and told me it was personal and was all teary eye.  i wanted to comfort him so much, but there was nothing i could do.  i hope he is OK.  

i watched 5 hours of greys anatomy with cass last night.  up until 230am.  i'm so ready for a nap, but it was worth it.  tonight is the season 3 premiere.  and patrick dempsey is hot.  yay.  

mookie and booty popping

mookie from 1st period is moving over to the continuation school.  she is so sweet and has had such a rough life, yet seems so positive.  she told me she couldn't pay the class fee until she got her pay check.  i told he rnot to worry about paying at all, but she insisted saying she didn't want to be "special."  such an example.

today was the first day the step team practiced.  two hours every day.  yikes.  what have i gotten myself into?  brittney, jamie & shanese are teaching the other girls the dance.  brittney was trying to teach the girls how to "pop" and she said, "you just gotta make your booty jump."  i was laughing SO hard on the inside.  how did i get myself into this? 

myspace, being an "expert" and waivers

its been a week since i've written.  i'll be better.  i'm sure these journals will entertain me in the years to come.  so, whats new...they took their test.   many of them did well.  a hadnful still didn't pass, so i wrote a separate make-up quiz.  we've cooked twice this week.  first blueberry muffins, then today, buscuits.  cooking days are so much better than non-cooking days.  especially in 3rd block.  it's after lunch and they are so fidgety and chatty.  cooking days are even fun for me.  i think it's because i feel needed.  they think i'm an expert.  i'm so not.  i've only had 2 foods classes in college!  apparently, that makes me an expert.  every 5 seconds, someone is calling my name.  MY name, ms. booth.  i like it.  it's not what i planned, but it's solid and i don't have to change it ever.  plus, cooking days i get to chat with and get to know the kids better.  today they asked if i had a myspace, which i do, so right after class i had cassandra change it to "private."  

oh...funny thing.  i had to sign these waiver forms stating that i had been notified of the following:  "bryant has been charged with causing great bodliy harm...."  i never would have guessed it.  he is such a sweetie.  the second form was for munair being charged with assault with a deadly weapon and possession of a firearm.  i'm definitely getting an education here.  so different from miller.  it's so much more draining....it really feels like it sucks the life out of me, but it's so much more rewarding.  every day it's either "small battle won" or "another battle lost."  it means something more when you get the girl with the attitude problem to cooperate and be on task, and when you're able to motivate a 17-year old boy to wash dishes.....especially when he is capable of assault!  it's so funny, scary, tiring, frustrating, but it's just so fulfilling...i already feel so attached to them.  

rough day. then football game.

today was rough.  nothing happened, but my 3rd block stresses me out.  they are chatty and rowdy, and really couldn't care less about what i'm trying to teach them.  today i basically gave up on reviewing for the test and just had them pull out their books and work on a pointless chapter.  sad. i feel like some of them want to pay attention and participate, but they are reaching a point in their attention spans where they can't.  gotta change things up.  new seats tomorrow.  i'm going to their football game tonight.  that should be fun.  

being a leader.

i chatted with jerome today about being a leader in the class.  that other students watch him.  i hope it helps.  3rd period is a handful.  i went to institute tonight.  it was really fun.

restlessness and familiarity.

the kids are getting really restless.  they really want to start cooking, and we're still doing safety & sanitation stuff.  hopefully we'll test on friday.  steve irwin the crocodile hunter died.  so sad.  i went to the student (singles) ward on sunday and it was kind of weird.  i was excited to get a fresh start, but i forgot i would probably know a lot of the kids there.  and i did.  everyone was very nice, and in a way it was kind of nice to have that familiarity.  

step team.

today shanese asked me to be the advisor for the step team.  so funy.  we'll see how that goes.  my football players in 3rd period wanted me to go to their game after school, but i couldn't.  i'm exhausted.  i'll write more tomorrow.  

i've come to a conclusion.

so i've come to a conclusion. losing someone you love really hurts. it just plain doesn't feel good. neither does feeling replaceable. but i've realized there are some things in life that happen whether i like it or not. i don't have as much control over "my world" as i thought i did. life doesn't ask your permission. its just life.

i lost "the one" i was going to spend the rest of my life with, the one who i'd already started a life with. and as foreign as it seems now, he committed those same things to me. but, unfortunately, something changed. committment in itself doesn't change, and neither does love, loyalty or marriage. no, no and definitely no. it doesn't. but people change. people make decisions and with those decisions come consequences, whether they be good or bad. he gave up and because of that decision he's lost someone that would have never given up on him. i'd like to consider that a bad consequence.

but, i've realized that no amount of wallowing in self pity is going to bring him back. no amount of analyzing the situation is going to help me understand, and it just a pathetic way of holding onto pieces that need to be let go. no amount of not eating, staying in bed, replaying old memories or crying myself to sleep is going to bring him back. no amount of remembering what was said is going to erase actions that proved otherwise. because after all that, at the end of the day, he's still not there. plus, nothing says,"you lost something fabulous," like not showering and forgetting to brush your teeth. right? wrong. thats just plain gross.

so, im done being a mess.

maybe this had to happen. maybe one day i'll even be glad this happened. i'm not yet, but maybe one day i will be. maybe this was the only way i would learn some of the necessary life lessons that i'll need later on. up until this, i've had it pretty easy. disappointment has skipped me over time and time again, and so now, losing something like this, its one of those, empty, yucky, sad, "my whole world caved in" feelings. but, it may prove to be to my advantage--because the next time i have to deal with a really crappy, heart-wrenching "thats just life" kind of thing, at least i'll have a little experience. and this time i'll know the BEST and only way to get through it is just to get out of bed and keep going.

everyone that knows me, knows that despite everything, i still have my hopes. i love him, and so i definitely don't want to hear, "you're better off," or or anything else that speaks poorly of him, or that attempts to explain me out of my feelings. i'm going at my own pace. right now, i'm optimistic. and thats OK. like 2 of my fantastic and smart girlfriends put it, "if thats what gets you through the day, fine." maybe that will change, and maybe it won't. but, aside from all that, i still have my hopes for a beautiful life of love, an awesome marriage, beautiful kids, great friends, a lovely home, fun vacations, anniversaries, family reunions, birthdays, and nerdy family traditions. its the same beautiful life i've always hoped for. and yes, i understand that its that same life thats going to have ups & downs, laundry & dishes, bills & arguments. but, i'll still take all of it. that hasn't changed. i may be 23 going 50, but whatever. thats me, and its who i've always been, and more than likely who i'll always be, and i think that's cool.